Flexible Thinking: Adjusting Our Approach to How We Handle Situations by Karen Gilmore

I struggled for many years with all-or-nothing thinking. The “all good vs. all bad” way of seeing a situation or people. Thinking this way got me into some difficult situations and kept me stuck. It damaged relationships and caused me to judge myself and others. I even fell into the trap of thinking something was ruined if it was not quite perfect.

One day while praying and thinking about my somewhat distorted thought process, it occurred to me that I could change the language I was using. I began to explore some options and landed on two words: helpful and unhelpful.

I visualized myself holding my hands, palms up, in the middle of the all-or-nothing spectrum. I could slide them one way or the other, yet stay toward the center. Then I visualized what would go into my hands as a situation unfolded in front of me. For example, when someone disappointed me, I began to ask myself, “What is helpful and unhelpful about this behavior and situation?”

Once I sorted these things into the two categories, I could ask myself if there was anything about the unhelpful parts that could be shifted toward the helpful side. If my answer was no, then the problem was not mine to solve and I could discard it. If my answer was yes, then I could work to figure out how to shift the behavior or situation to the helpful side. I even began to curiously explore how I might shift the parts I previously labeled as helpful to be even more helpful. Situations that used to keep me pinned down suddenly became flexible and moveable.

Applying this visual strategy helps me pay closer attention when I fall into that all-or-nothing trap for both internal and external scenarios. It allows me to watch for dips in my self-esteem and categorize my thoughts as helpful or unhelpful.

Creativity and generosity have a chance to grow when we give ourselves permission to change our approach to situations and our relationships.

Originally published in TRULY magazine, The Pursuit Issue, Volume No. 2, Issue No. 2