Grieving the Loss of the Ideal by Karen Gilmore
- Karen Gilmore
- Mar 20
- 2 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
My father died unexpectedly when I was seven years old. My mother was pregnant with child number six. Life changed very quickly from having to not having. I was sometimes sad and became envious of classmates and kids at church who did fun things with their whole family and who described new toys or trips. During school assignments to write or to share about parents, I felt vulnerable and singled out. I internalized and frequently stayed silent, not sure how to interact. Eventually, I adopted a simple narrative; That’s not for me. Other kids had a dad and new things but that’s not for me to experience.
My young mind had a hard time finding meaning about death and loss, so I let this belief lead the way into my future. Without my awareness, it helped numb my pain. Then at age 16 my mom suddenly died. For understandable reasons, grief became complicated. I longed for the ideal family I did not have. Over time, I learned I could be happy for others who had what I didn’t have and eventually began to realize none of us fully experience the ideal.
David Kessler wrote in Finding Meaning; The Sixth Stage of Grief, “In death our attachments continue, as does the love” (Kessler, 2019, Chap. 14, 9:06, audiobook). He collaborated about finding meaning in grief with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who is known for The 5 Stages of Grief. Experiencing a connection with someone means we grieve the loss of that connection but continue to love.
While being interviewed during a podcast, Mary-Frances O’Connor described how “grieving is a form of learning” while functioning without our loved one. She described how “the brain encodes a bond” when we grow close to someone then changes when that person is no longer available to us in the way we were used to. The “reward network in the brain” related to our relationship with that person is no longer firing the same way and will eventually rewire.
Whatever your experience with grief and loss, you likely formulated beliefs about what the ideal means for you. Maybe you have been disappointed, hurt, wounded, betrayed, overlooked, abandoned, rejected, unloved, experienced lack of ideal parenting, academics, employment, physical health, physical features/aspects, lack of ideal relationships, loss of ideal future with a loved one, friend or a pet, loss of a parent, sibling or even a child, loss of hopes, dreams, expectations. Grief can be complicated.
What would change for you if you grieved the loss of the ideal _____ (you fill the blank). Spend time in prayer acknowledging that networks in your brain have changed due to loss. Ask God to help you process your grief. Grieving isn’t about letting go, it’s about processing the adjustment. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. Connection may change but it isn’t gone. As your brain rewires, offer thanks to God for this miraculous ability.
Citations
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief [Audible audiobook]. Simon & Schuster Audio.