Self-compassion While Caring for Others by Karen Gilmore

“You have to help me,” cried my youngest.

“With what?” I asked.

“I can’t find my socks!”

I was in the process of getting ready for work and found myself in a dilemma. Do I help and risk being late for work? Or do I encourage her to work on the problem by herself knowing I would feel guilty. I had been sharing with my therapist about feeling exhausted due to expectations from others. She encouraged me to put the responsibility back on the person then “let the moment pass and see what happens”. A sock crisis seemed fitting to try this out. My daughter protested as I paused but soon solved her own problem. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this encounter set me on a journey toward self-compassion.

As a child, I learned to absorb stressful situations and became a fixer. I believed that not fixing meant I was inadequate, uncaring, responsible for moods or failures. I equated action with compassion. It felt impossible to say no and selfish to have needs. Merriam-Webster defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it”. I unknowingly adopted the belief that fixing was the route to alleviating.

Dr. Kristen Neff has researched the topic of self-compassion for the past 20 years. Under the “Elements of Self-Compassion” tab on her website she describes it as “…being kind and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate…We’re warm and supportive when confronted with the imperfection of life rather than cold or harsh…This inner support allows us to feel safe and puts us in a better frame of mind to cope with challenges or make needed changes in our lives.”

Getting under the surface of self-compassion was initially confusing because I believed serving and being empathetic meant focusing on the needs of others. I wasn’t sure how to find the balance between caring for others and caring for myself. I poured my heart out to God as I sought clarity. Over time I learned that compassion means holding empathetic space while being present with discomfort, whether mine or someone else’s. In other words, it wasn’t my place to fix but to compassionately witness.

Think about your own life. Are there any beliefs you have adopted about your responsibility to others? What does a fair balance of compassionate care look like? Are you over-extending for others and letting your own needs slide? Read Matthew 14 through the perspective of self-compassion alongside compassion. What do you notice about Jesus checking in on his own needs while having compassion for others? I encourage you to do your own research about self-compassion. Spend time in prayer and self-reflection about what it means to be a compassionate witness.